8 things you'll learn from 8 minutes on a dating app
It's like a battlefield if a battlefield was filled with people joking about getting their hoodie back
Most of us, unless you’re in the lucky, scarily small percentage of people who found love in a hopeless place (uni halls, the office, or a genuine meet cute), have experienced the soul destroying horrors that are dating apps. It’s up there with job interviews and London flat hunting as you wade through the blurred selfies taken from the baffling below-the-chin-angle and the single “hey x” messages that flood your inbox.
After a good four years off the apps (which incidentally bordered on depressingly single, bar the odd accidental date) we are officially back. And by god we did not miss it. Consider this partly friendly advice and partly your group chat debate about the eight things you’ll learn within eight minutes of being on Hinge.* (*other dating apps are unfortunately also available).
1.You are not as original as you think you are
Okay, I have a drinking game for you. Spend 10 minutes on an app and every time you see one of the below phrases take a sip, a bite, do an eye roll, throw yourself off a (small) bridge - whatever it may be. Just keep a tally and tell me if I’m wrong…
"I want someone who… doesn’t take themselves too seriously!”
“A perfect Sunday looks like… a roast, a walk, someone to chill with on the sofa.”
“My ultimate goal is… to delete this app!”
“My controversial opinion is… pineapple DOES belong on pizza”
“A shower thought I had recently… I should get a towel.”
2. Dating app height is calculated in the same way as washing machine time
Very random, pretty much always lying, and the one time it isn’t, you’re too suspicious that you end up overthinking it. You’ll keep going back and checking it thinking, surely this can’t be right.
3. You will not be able to pick your match out of a lineup
Group pictures are not a good idea. If you told me that someone just copied and pasted themselves in different outfits across their group picture, I would 100% believe you.
4. Everyone has lost a hoodie to an ex (and is apparently traumatised by it)
See point 1.
5. The speed at which most men reply is similar to the time it takes for them to realise that feminism is still relevant in 2025
AKA, a lot longer than you’d imagine. Also, it’s just when you’re about to give up that they suddenly sometimes unexpectedly pull through.
6. No one really has a controversial opinion
See “pizza DOES belong on pineapple!” point above…
7. Men take worse pictures of themselves, women take better ones
For the love of GOD, please stop doing the mirror selfie pose with your arm outstretched and tense. I know you’re trying to show off your muscles but it honestly just reminds me of the days where we couldn’t see doctors IRL so we had to send them pictures of whatever our ailment was in the vain hope they’d magically know how to fix it. Every time I see it I fight the urge to ask them if they’re mid-physio from a broken arm.
8. Most people will lie about where they are living
No, Wandsworth does not count as Clapham - and that’s actually a good thing.