Anyone else feel like you need a TikTok-to-millennial dictionary to read a Cosmo article these days? The terminology changes more frequently than the prime minister circa Liz Truss era. And honestly, modern dating is complicated enough without needing to google a phrase to find out what behaviour you’re being accused of OR what your friends are accusing someone ELSE of.
So we decided to create our own glossary (and add in a new phrase for good measure). Originally, this article was going to be a rant about preemptive dumping - but more on that later.
Pocketing
Unfortunately nothing to do with pockets of wisdom, or joy, or sunshine. Also unrelated to the euphoric feeling of finding money in your pocket. Nope, pocketing is when you or the person you're seeing won’t introduce you to their friends/family. Quite literally keeping you to themselves - or pocketing you.
Is it a red flag?
Kind of. It’s one of those things that feels like an issue when it’s being done to you, but one you don’t question when you’re doing it to someone else. It’s probably best to find out the ‘why’ behind it.
It tends to fall into two camps; either, the person you’re dating doesn’t see you as significant enough to introduce to their friends, keeping you not specifically a secret, but on the side. Sometimes dating is a bit like planning events- it only becomes real once it’s on the calendar. It only becomes an actual relationship, not situationship, once other people (and people they like and value at that) have met you.
However, it’s not necessarily immediate grounds for dumping. It may be that someone doesn’t want to introduce you because the dynamic will change, or maybe they need more time, or they’re simply wary of how their friends will act around you. We all know that friends can sometimes get too attached or invested in someone you’re seeing.
Benching
You can probably guess with this one, but it’s essentially when you take someone you’re talking to out of the game as it were, and save them for later. Usually, it’s someone you’re talking to, likely have been on a couple of dates with but something didn’t quite vibe the way it should. It’s when there’s still a bit of history and good energy there, but something is lacking. Usually, it’s dragging on for a bit, so you sub them out - AKA. benching them. It’s not to say they won’t come back into play later on (usually around big holidays, a bottomless brunch, or when you’re desperately in need of a plus one), but for now, they’re out of the game until the next innings.
Is it a red flag?
Well, it’s definitely not a green one. Think of it more like a yellow card - you’re back on the benches until further notice, but you’re not entirely off the team. This might work if you’re just in it for the Instagram story likes, or the casual hookup, but long-term, it’s not something we recommend for team morale.
Bluffing
Okay, this is the one we created. Although we didn’t so much create it as put a name to it. We’re really hoping that this only happens to us - but if you’ve been single at any point since 2018, and you’ve used a dating app, this has probably happened to you too.
Bluffing is when you get asked on a date and say yes, only to be ghosted after you’ve said yes. We’re talking complete radio silence after agreeing to go on a date, and it’s happened too many times for this to be random (5 times in one month y’all). Twice they’ve asked for our number and graduated out of Hinge messaging to texting - which lowkey feels like quite a big step anyway.
Being busy is one thing, and ghosting is another (we’ll get to that), but this feels different. It feels like a game of poker. It feels like a bluff.
Why did we name it bluffing?
Well, we went back and forth a little, but bluffing felt like the most appropriate term. Why? Because we theorised that people (read: men) do this for the validation of knowing they could get you, without putting in the effort for an actual date. It’s the classic ‘idea of someone’ versus the reality of the effort that goes into anything more. You call their bluff by saying ‘yes’ and they leave you in the dust. It’s preemptive dumping - before you even go on the date.
Is it a red flag?
Well, either they’re bluffing with the offer of a date to know where they stand with you, or chickening out/ aren’t actually bothered enough to arrange anything concrete. Or, lowkey, they met someone else. At this point, that’s not even a red flag point, it’s a checkered-one - consider this the end of the race, my friends.
As Sabrina Carpenter said, ‘I’m a busy woman’ - PLEASE stop wasting my time with hypothetical dates.
Cobwebbing
This phrase is probably the least known one (aside from the one we made up), only becoming slightly talked about around September / October last year.
Cobwebbing - although sounds like a product of a breeding ground of misogyny - is actually the dating equivalent of spring cleaning. It’s when you start fresh, a clean dating slate. It’s when you clear out the old conversations, tie up loose ends - i.e. break it off with that dead end situationship, stop talking to your ex once and for all, and have a tidy up all round of all the odds and ends of half relationships.
Is it a red flag?
We think it’s a green one. It’s a good way to get into a clearer mindset, especially if you’re looking to find someone long-term. A bit like spring cleaning, it’s something more of us should do - and probably something we should be doing more often than we are.
Breadcrumbing
Ah, Hansel and Gretel have a lot to answer for. So do the Grimm Brothers come to that. Anyway, breadcrumbing is when someone you’re talking to / semi-dating / situation-shipping is giving you just enough attention to keep you interested, without ever giving you enough to actually commit. It’s basically stringing you along through a series of minimal attention and effort. We’ve all been guilty of it.
Is it a red flag?
Eh, if you get the sense that you like them way more than they like you, then potentially yes. Everyone likes a bit of a chase, but there gets to a point where you’re just chasing your own tail.
The hard part about breadcrumbing is that there is never really enough there in the first place; you can barely cobble together an iota of a relationship from what they’ve given you, so there’s not really enough there to constitute a red flag because there’s not enough there full stop.
If you’re being breadcrumbed, it’s probably someone who should be part of your cobwebbing clear out. No one likes crumbs in the bed.
Ghosting
We’ll concede that most people already know what this is. What we wanted to get was a group consensus on when people actually consider a ghost a ‘ghosting’. It first started after people slept with someone and never heard from them again (we think Joey Tribbianni may be the OG CEO of ghosting tbh). But, it's been more commonly adopted to describe any kind of sudden cut in communication.
However, there is definitely a difference between being bluffed (hence why we felt the need to invent a new term), and being completely blanked by someone who you've actually built up a rapport with, met in real life and maybe slept with.
So, what’s the line between ghosting and just stopping hearing from? Our take was if you’ve had at least one date with them, then you can call it a ghost. If it’s just been talking, then you’ve more likely just dropped off their radar or been 'bluffed’ - brutal as that may feel.
Is it a red flag?
No one who ghosts you wants you. Leave them be as just another skeleton in the closet of that haunted house you call a love life. Move on and make peace with it. No Ouija boards here.
Ultimately, the above probably hasn’t given you much hope for finding love in the modern age without being messed around, but at least it maybe made you feel like you aren’t alone in the trenches.
Or made you very thankful for your relationship.